Do I consider myself fully recovered?
Most days I'd say yes, but sometimes all it takes is an old picture of myself to step right back into it.
I came home over Thanksgiving and shockingly I have not eaten as much here as I do when I'm in Pitt.
I've gained so much weight since Pittsburgh, which is a good thing.
This time last year I was about 123 pounds. I am now about 137 pounds.
That's a good thing though right?
People at school constantly tell me how envious they are of me becasue they think I'm so skinny.
They're crazy. I'm not. I have no self control like I used to.
Food has become my world in Pittsburgh, but not in the way that it was a year ago.
I feel like I've developed almost a binge eating disorder. It's like I can never just stop eating.
My legs are disgusting, filled with cellulite. My love handles could take over the world.
I look back on old pictures of myself and I can now see how skinny I truly was. I miss it.
I am quite proud though that I can see that I was skinny.
Part of me wants that again. I want that frail body back.
I miss the days where I had so much self control and perserverance.
Last december I remember I lived off 3 square pieces of fudge a day and one 0 calorie 32 oz rooster booster for about 3 weeks straight.
I miss that. I felt so in control and when I got home and stepped on that scale it always said I was about a pound and a half lighter than I was earlier that morning.
I don't want to slip back into this, but I can see it happening.
I want my body, self control, determination, stregnth- all of it back.
Take me away...
- (no subject)
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
wakethedead919- November 28th, 13:04
- Waste of a day...
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- wakethedead919
- July 28th, 12:38
Feelin shittay.
Woke up...same weight as yesterday.
Read my book for a while and waited for my friend to get back to me on our plans today.
Realized that wasn't happening.
Decided to get dressed and make it a good day and go shopping as my mother suggested.
Just as I was about to leave, she tells me oh no we don't have money for that now.
Fan-Fucking-Tastic.
So now I'm all dressed, with nowhere to go.
I may go buy the first season of the girls next door.
Nothing else to do anyways...
I hate when I wake up and think today will be a good day and it just turns out to be shit.
Silver lining- I'm not hungry at all. I forced myself to have some Lucky Charms this morning at 10 am and it's now nearly 1.
I'm going to hold off on food for another 3 or 4 hours. At least it will make it a better day.
- Time is tick tocking away
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- wakethedead919
- July 27th, 12:52
I love how whenever I set goals for myself, I never reach them.
I have been eating healthier, I did finish my senior year...
BUT
I have not reached 120 and I have not been excercising.
I've been trying to recover. I want to recover. I love watching tv shows or movies where the people on there can eat slowly and enjoy their food without worrying if they're going to get fat from it.
I have managed to stay away from my archnemesis- laxatives- for a good 3 or 4 months now. I'm very proud of myself for that. But I know that once I pop one of those little suckers in, I will be back down that road. I'm trying to stay away from that for as long as possible.
College is in a little under a month. All I want is to lose about 10 pounds.
Is that a ridiculous request? I don't think so.
I just want to lose the weight that I have gained through the recovery, which is 10 pounds.
My current weight this morning was 129.8.
I need to go to the doctors again so they can tell me if I've grown that extra quarter of an inch. If I have, then I'll be 5'7.5.
It amazes me how that little quarter of an inch would make such a huge effect on my day.
I'm not going to make any goals for August except this...
LOSE THAT 10 LBS.
10 lbs is not unhealthy to lose. It would put me right at underweight. Since I am small boned by all of the charts I have taken, I would only be underweight by about 3 lbs. That would make me happy.
The problem is I have to make sure I don't go lower than that.
I'll be okay. I won't slip back into Anorexia.
I will have control by beating her. I have to.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- July 1st, 4:42
July 2009:
1) Complete senior year
2) Reach 120 by July 30 or sooner
3) Eat completely healthy
4) NO BINGING
5) Excercise 3 times a week for first half of July/ 5 times a week second half of July
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- May 9th, 12:10
125.6
come on, keep going.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- May 6th, 10:18
126.6.
I haven't seen that number in a while.
It's still so high, but it gives me hope and lets me know that I actually am losing weight.
My first goal is to be 121 by May 15.
5.6 lbs. I have my work cut out for me.
- Beginning of the month.
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- wakethedead919
- May 1st, 11:19
It's May 1st.
I love the start of a new month, it brings me such hope.
I'm not where I wanted to be as far as my weight though.
I wanted to be 125...and I'm 127. I can't believe this weight isn't coming off.
I'll just have to work harder.
It won't be an epic fail like April.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- April 30th, 8:10
127.6
This process of me losing weight needs to speed up like......NOW.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- April 29th, 11:34
So I put in my deposit at Pitt. I've got my roommate. Everything's all sorted.
I have gained so much though this month...
I got up to about 130, a number that I haven't seen in so long, this month.
I'm now at 128.4.
Absolutely rank.
My plan was to be 125 by Friday...but I have no idea if that'll happen.
Here are the goals though:
5'7.25
hw: 150
lw:121
cw: 128.4
gw1:125
gw2:120
gw3:116
I plan on hitting gw3 by no later than May 31.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- April 2nd, 13:04
Lost 2 lbs. Thank God. I'm so sick and tired of 123.
Spring break is in 3 days.
I'm so not ready for that. I do not...repeat...DO NOT want to wear a bikini.
I'm way too huge for that.
Whatever, I guess we'll see how it goes.
:[
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- April 1st, 13:08
April Goals:
- Finally get to 115 by April 30
- Try to save about $500
- Finish all school work by May 1
- Decide which college I'm going to by April 15
- Start looking for a new job
124.0 this morning.
I hate my life.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- March 23rd, 11:35
I went to Michigan State and Pitt over the weekend.
Michigan State- Out.
Pitt- definitely in.
It's beteween Pitt and Bama now. I have no idea which I'll choose, but I have to make a decision soon.
Ugh, spare me.
I gained big time over the trip. I binged like nobody's business.
I don't even want to talk about it.
I'm back on track today...thank God.
I had a bowl of cereal and I don't plan on eating again until before work.
I'll have maybe a sandwich or something and then I'll go to work and not eat for the rest of the day.
I have to be 120 by April 1. It's not even up for discussion.
It has to happen.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- March 11th, 12:46
There have been so many firsts in my life in 2009.
First time driving alone.
First acceptance letter to Bama and Pitt.
First car.
First job.
First time going to a club.
My life is going by so fast and it's great, but it feels like things are getting out of control.
Everyone is so worried about my eating habits lately. I know they care and want what's best for me, but it's difficult to deal with.
On Monday I woke up being 127.2. I haven't been that heavy in a really long time.
Today is Wednesday, and I am now 123.2, which is normally where I hover around.
I would love to be 121 even on Friday.
Here are my goals:
March 13, 2009: 121
March 20, 2009: 119
March 27, 2009: 116
April 8, 2009: 112.5
April 8 is when I'm going on Spring break. Wow last year I was 133 when I went on Spring break. That would be awesome if I could be nearly 21 lbs lighter this time.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- January 30th, 12:35
Finally.
I broke my 123-124 plateau.
I am now 121.6.
I'm nervous about tonight. I'm staying at Christy's and I'm scared I'll binge.
I'm just going to limit myself to:
popcorn
rooster booster
water
I cannot have ice cream, cake, cereal, candy, cookies or anything else that I normally binge on there.
I will be strong and I wil be skinny.
By the end of the weekend, I want to be a solid 120.
I know I can do this.
- yes, I will.
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- wakethedead919
- January 27th, 16:48
Could I stop being a whale? Please?
5'7", 123.
That makes me just want to cry so hard.
Fuck this.
I'm going to be fucking thin even if I die.
I don't care at all.
Temporary goals:
January 30- 120
February 8- 118
February 15- 116
February 28- 113
March 15- 110
March 30- 108
April 6- 105
I will do this. I have to. There is no more postponing.
I will be thin.
- bored.
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- wakethedead919
- December 23rd, 2008
height: 5' 7"
age: 17...18 in February :)
highest weight: 150 lbs.
lowest weight: 115 lbs.
current weight: 123-124 lbs :[
goal weight: 102 lbs.
favorite food: Fettachini Alfredo.
drink: Rooster Booster Lite
thinspo: I don't really have thinspo. My body is reverse thinspo.
when do you slip: When I'm lonely or depressed.
when did start: When I was about 15 but it hit hard when I was 16.
does anyone know?: My boyfriend.
do you want help?: I can't do it yet. I do want help eventually, I wish I was brave enough now.
diet pills: No.
favorite binge food: Anything candy.
favorite dieting food: Uh...fruit?
how many calories do you consume a day?: Binge day: 2000- 5000, Good day: 500 or under
what tips do you use to lose weight?: I don't have tips....I have a disease....O_O
what do you see when you look in the mirror?: Flabby arms, Huge stomach, Wobbly thighs, basically just disgustingness.
are you in a relationship?: Yeah.
if so, do they pressure you to be thin? No way. He's trying hard to get me out of the way I think. I feel really bad for him, he deals with a lot.
are you the fat or thin one out of your friends?: They'd say I'm the thinnest. I don't see how, but I guess I'm thinner.
are you depressed?: Yeah.
do you self harm?: I try not to. Usually what stops me is looking at my wrists and seeing how messed up it is. It actually helps stop me.
ever tried to commit suicide?: Yeah.
ever been to a psychologist?: ...Many times...
favorite song: Too many to choose from.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- December 9th, 2008
122 this morning.
I'm back on track to skinnayness.
I want to be 120 by Friday.
I have to be.
x
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- December 7th, 2008
Stuck at 123.
Freaking annoying as crap.
Okay so I'm going to figure out my goals now.
5'7
cw: 123
By December 25th I want to be 115.
BMI (18.0)
By December 31st I want to be 112.
Bmi (17.5)
By January 15th I want to be 108.5
Bmi (17.0)
By January 30th I want to be 105.5
Bmi (16.5)
By February 8th I want to be 102.
Bmi (16)
I just want to be 102 by my birthday.
I have to be and I will be.
I can't wait :]
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- December 4th, 2008
123.6
:]
I'm very happy.
That is all.
- (no subject)
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- wakethedead919
- December 3rd, 2008
124.8 today.
grrrrrrr.
I want to lose this weight.
Hopefully I'll be 124 or lower tomorrow morning.
please,please,please!
cals consumed- 375
cals burned-285
happy= me today :]
